Things to Ponder
No Sardar please! A lot of other web-sites already have sufficient sardar jokes!
Q: Do you have two cows?
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".
BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Freud: The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
Bill Clinton: It wasn't me. I wasn't chasing the chicken. There was no inappropriate relationship between me and the chicken
Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
George Orwell: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads, balance your checkbook, and solve your Y2K problem
Colonel Sanders of KFC: I missed one?
THINGS TO PONDER
WHY ?? PART I
1. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
2. Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
3. Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
4. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
5. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
6. Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
7. Why is the alphabet in that order?
8. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
9. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? (I've tried it, it doesn't work)
10. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
11. Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
12. Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
13..If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
14. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
15. Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
16. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
WHY?? - Part II
1. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
2. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
3. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
6. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
7. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
8. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
9. Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
10. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
11. Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
If U are in the USA............
1. U don't open conversation (on telephone) with a "Hello" but with a "Hi". The telephone is never "engaged", it's always "busy".
2. U don't "disconnect" a phone, U simply "hang-up".
3. U never "mess-up" things, U only "screw them up".
4. U don't stop at the "signals", but halt at the "lights". There R no "petrol pumps", but "gas stations".
5. U don't "accelerate", U "step on the gas". Your tyre never "punctures", U may have a "flat".
6. "I don't know nothing", 2 negatives don't make a positive here.
7. There's no "Business Area" ... only "business districts", and no "districts" but "counties".
8. No one stays "a stone's throw away", rather "a few blocks away".
9. There's no "Town Side", it's "Down Town".
10. In hotel U no longer ask for "bill" and pay by "cheque", rather ask for "check" and pay with "bill"s (dollar ).
11. Life's no longer "miserable" it "stinks".
12. U don't have a "great" time, U have a "ball".
13. U don't "sweat it out", U "work U'r butt off".
14. Never "post" a letter, always "mail" it and "glue" the stamps, don't "stick" them.
15. U don't stand in a "queue", you are in a "line".
16. U no longer "like" something, U "appreciate" it. "#" is not "hash", it's "pound".
17. U R not "disgusting" U R "sick".
18. U can't get "surprised" U get "zapped".
19. U don't "schedule" a meeting, U "skejule" it.
20. U never "joke", U just "kid".
21. U don't try to find a lift... U find an elevator.
22. U don't ask somebody "How r u ?", U say "What's up dude?" or U say "How U DOIN "
23. There's no "zero" but "O", no "Z" but "zee".
24. There's no FULL STOP after a statement, there's a PERIOD.
25. If someone gets angry at U, U get "flamed".
26. U Drive Ur car on Parkways and always park your car in the DriveWay!
27. You do not ask for brinjal ... ask for Egg Plant .. also there are no ladys finger ..its Okra !
28. You do not say "He is a trouble creator " .. rather u say "He's a pain in my ass" !
29. Well u don't say life is boring u say LIFE SUCKS !!!!!
In short U don't speak English, U speak American.
Food for thought....
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is it that when we bounce a check, the bank charges us more of
what they already know we don't have any of?
7. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who
drives a race car not called a racist?
Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange,
silver, or purple?
Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it; but when I wind up a project, I
Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
If the singular of
GEESE is GOOSE, shouldn't a Portuguese person be called
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics
refer to IV's as "4's"?
Are people more
violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's much easier to harass
rich women than motorcycle gangs?
If you take an Oriental
person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are
called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called"
Prison Vs Workplace
PRISON You spend the majority of
your time in an 8x10 cell
AT WORK You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle
PRISON You get three meals a day
AT WORK You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it
PRISON You get time off for good
WORK You get rewarded
for good behavior with more work
PRISON A guard locks and unlocks
all the doors for you
WORK You must carry
around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself
PRISON You can watch TV and play
WORK You get fired for
watching TV and playing games
PRISON You get your own toilet
WORK You have to share
PRISON They allow your family and
friends to visit
WORK You cannot even
speak to your family and friends
PRISON All expenses are paid by
taxpayers with no work required
WORK You get to pay all
the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay
PRISON You spend most of your life
looking through bars from inside wanting to get out
WORK You spend most of
your time wanting to get out and go inside bars
PRISON There are wardens who are
WORK They are called
PRISON You have unlimited time to
read e-mail jokes
WORK You get fired if
you get caught
GET BACK TO WORK!
Desi strikes at US
There is this Good Ol' Barber in some city in US. One day a Florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the Barber and the
barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door. A Cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The Cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen Donuts waiting at his door. A Desi Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and barber replies; I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there -
A Dozen Desis waiting for a free Haircut......
Q : What would French men call a Bihari bathroom?
A : La Loo
Bihar Vs Japan
The Japanese premiere visited India to explore the investment opportunities available. He visited all the major cities of India and on insistence by his Indian counterpart, visited Bihar too.
The Japanese premiere was astounded at the amount of natural resources he found in this state. It had sufficient resources to meet the requirements of entire country of Japan. However, he was shocked to see the living standards of the people of Bihar. He immediately decided to have "talks" with the chief of the state, who was none other than Laloo Prasad Yadav.
Japanese Premiere : "Mr. Yadav, I see that Bihar has a lot of natural resources that are difficult to find in such quantities in any other part of the world. However, I am sad to see that they have not been used effectively. I feel that this state can attain much more heights only if its natural resources were to be used effectively. So, Mr. Yadav, I suggest that you let me take control of the state. And in just 3 years I shall make it another Japan."
Laloo was really amused at this statement. He replied, "What do you say, Sir? What can I talk of your Japanese efficiency? You let me take control of Japan. And in just 3 months I can make it another Bihar !"
Laloo and God
Saddam Hussain visits God and asks him: "God when shall I see the defeat of Bill Clinton."
God replies: "Son, you will not see it in your lifetime."
Hearing this, Saddam Hussain starts crying and goes away.
Gen Parvez Musharaff visits God and asks him: "God when shall I see the capture of Kashmir by Pakistan."
God replies: "Son, you will not see it in your lifetime."
Hearing this, Gen Parvez Musharaff starts crying and goes away.
Laloo Yadav visits God and asks him: "God when shall I see Bihar becoming a prosperous and happy state."
Hearing this, God starts crying.
Laloo is astounded and asks: "God, why are you crying?"
God replies: "Son, I will not see it in my lifetime"